Is self reflection important?

What is The Reflective Function?

Reflective functioning, refers to our capacity to understand behaviour in ourselves and others in terms of mental states, such as feelings, desires, wishes, goals and attitudes.  

Why is it important to self reflect?

To be able to self reflect is vital for self awareness and awareness of what is going on for others. So it has a fundamental bearing on all our relationships including our relationship with ourselves.  

Reflecting helps us to develop our social skills and review their effectiveness, rather than just carry on doing things the way we have always done them. It is about questioning, in a positive way, what we do and why we do it and then deciding whether there is a better, or more efficient, way of doing it in the future. 

It can also help us adapt or build new structures in our internal worlds, for example we might find when under pressure or upset we have a habit of avoiding the feelings or thoughts about what is upsetting us by drinking alcohol or perhaps we end up having a fight with our partner or friends. Leaving us confused as to why we let these things happen. Self reflection can help provide the space to consider what different parts of us are “heating up” before our current subconscious strategy (e.g. to drink alcohol or cause conflict) kicks in. These examples are just a tiny part of how we can behave when we are acting in a way that may not be the best for us, or our relationships.  If we are stressed we might shut down, cutting off from those around us, in a bid to cope. Whatever it is that we do, we can become aware that part of us may benefit from development when we feel a disconnection from ourselves or others and confusion about our behaviour. Other signs that developing our capacity to self reflect may help us can be if we are suffering from anxiety or depression. Thinking about the following statements may help you establish if you could benefit from focusing on self reflection: 

I don’t always understand why I behave in certain ways

When I get angry I say things without really knowing why I am saying them

When I get angry I say things that I later regret

If I feel insecure I can behave in ways that seem to irritate others

Strong feelings often cloud my thinking

I get stuck ruminating on the same thoughts 

I am unsure how I feel, there is a numbness 

These experiences of ourselves can be an invite to self reflect. 

How to self reflect 

As self reflection is an internal function we will all find different ways to develop this ability. It can be seen as paying attention and focusing on yourself. This does not mean in an overheated worrying way, the ideal is to be able to create space in our mind to really consider the different aspects of self, in a calm and compassionate way. To help create this space it is sometimes good to create space in the external world first, so perhaps making time where you are not distracted by anything else. Having a moment to go for a walk or have a cup of tea in peace. It may include practices like mindful meditation or yoga, or a thought process a bit like a self audit, where we take a moment to journal the different feelings in body, the emotions around and the thoughts we have about our behaviour in a day or behaviour around a single event. It may even be our behaviour that we have noticed that is a pattern.  As we reflect it can be useful to ask ourselves: 

“Where am I in that situation?”  Noticing body state, emotions and the meaning we made. Then link it to our behaviour. 

Being able to self reflect is not about beating ourselves up, or throwing a party for the inner critic.  It is best approached with kindness and forgiveness. It’s normal to find aspects of ourselves that do not align with how we want to be in the world. No one is perfect and we all have vulnerabilities and character flaws. However the most fundamental aspect to self reflection when it is working well is honesty, having the ability to be honest with ourselves, even when that can be hard at times. 

Once we get used to having a routine or an internal space and process to self reflect we can use tools to develop like asking people we really trust for feedback - a bit like a 360 degree exercise (sometimes used in work places https://g.co/kgs/frfV1d) given to a friend or relative we love and value.  Or by using a tool like the Johari window https://g.co/kgs/2SpSCH

Therapy is a space we choose to go and self reflect, the therapist is a trained listener who has experience and understanding of the reflective function. Sometimes we can benefit from giving ourselves that type of space. If therapy is not accessible then choosing to self reflect with a friend who is not involved with the subject we are exploring and is good listener, can help us make links or reframe our own part in our relationships and our life in general.

Look after yourself as you go exploring your inner world!