Tips to improve relationships (Part two)
Talking their language
Our personalities differ from person to person, many of us have had the experience of struggling to understand why our partners see or experience things differently than we do. This can be due to differences in personality. An example might be an extroverted feeling type of personality whose partner is an introverted thinking type. This will throw up many potential points of tension, as an introverted thinking type tends to like space, peace and has a need for time alone as their energy comes from the inner world, while an extroverted feeling type tends to get energy from mixing with others and is more tuned in to the external and emotional world. At some level it can feel like talking a different language. Taking the time to really consider what each personality requires is a good starting point to then consider both sets of needs through an approach of acceptance and empathy. For example this might be agreeing to some socialising but not a constant or amount the introvert finds overwhelming. We can also find ways to meet needs at times through encouraging our partners to spend time how they need to. If you are interested in personality types there are some great free tools to test yourself online, while these can be helpful to aid understanding different aspects of personality, remember they can be fluid and change over time.
2. The language of love
As mentioned above our personalities can mean we differ in how we behave, this becomes noticeable in therapy when couples are looking for different ways from one an other to understand they are loved. The word love is loaded with so many different meanings for us. A simple exercise for couples is to write down everything that goes in to the meaning of love for you, for example: care, affection, sexuality, security and so on. Sharing and discussing the meaning it holds for you can help us to understand each other more. Another good framework to deepen understanding is based on a book called The 5 Love languages by Gary Chapman. The 5 languages he refers to are:
Acts of service
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Physical touch
Receiving gifts
There is also a quick quiz that will give you a breakdown of the five and how important each is to you https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes
3. Spent time apart
If we are overly dependant on our partners and spend all our time together we can struggle to develop as individuals and also avoid taking new attitudes and experiences back to our relationships. Spending time apart can enhance a relationship in these ways. Like most things it’s about getting the balance right. The other side of this coin is spending attentive time together, this may be planned or spontaneous, either way it tends to work well when it’s really focused on enhancing the relationship. It might be planning a new experience together or having a common interest. If you both have a lack of time even just taking 20 minutes out of your day to go for a walk together and really listen to how the other person is can be positive
4. Appreciate your differences
At times we may find that we do not hold the same values or beliefs as our partners, this can be tricky and require negotiation. When we find ways to appreciate other peoples opinions and ideas it can help develop greater empathy in our relationships.
5. Safe space
The strongest relationships are often the ones where each person feels safe to share their vulnerability, if your partner has the courage to share aspects of themselves that are vulnerable, listen in, reflect back and support. This leads us to greater emotional intimacy.
6. Acts of kindness
When we pay attention to our partners, asking about something that is important to them can show understanding and consideration. It shows you are paying attention. Other small acts of kindness like an affectionate touch or offering them a cup of tea can go a long way to help us feel cherished and important.
7. Play!
No matter what stresses we face in our lives; busy jobs, family life, money or health worries it is important to remember we are built to support each other. Often that connection comes through play, having a light hearted moment, laughing, cooking a meal together or being fully present in physical intimacy. When life gets heavy try to import a moment of fun together.
Hopefully you have found something useful in our blog to help improve your relationship!